


falling on my fists

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, OT9 - Freeform, Romance, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 22:12:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5842936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The first thing: it's the worst kept secret for sixteen hours.</i> Jessica Jung, leader. It's got a weird ring to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	falling on my fists

**Author's Note:**

> For K, of course, who without this would have never made any sense and saw the light of day. You're the best. And yes, this is definitely a universe where a sequel is possible.

The first thing: it's the worst kept secret for sixteen hours. Sixteen whole hours of meetings, strategic meetings about strategy meetings, meetings about lawyers with lawyers, and stocks.

She thinks about calling her sister, mostly her sister -- Soojung is usually the voice of reason in these moments. It's always the quiet ones, you know. It's also selfish, so it stops her. And then she's alone with Lee Soo Man sunbaenim.

"So," he says, and she thinks to herself I haven't really been here alone since I was a trainee. "What are you going to do," he says not asks. Mostly because he never really seems to ask with their group.

Jessica doesn't know all the facts. Her tongue wraps around Taeyeon's name. She cannot bring herself to say it. Or demand an answer. Because demanding an answer makes this real and making this real is something the she is not prepared to undertake. There is an explanation for everything, of course. But now is not the time.

She thinks about all the sketches and sample fabrics. She feels a little sluggish.

"I guess I have no choice," she says.

The news release is Friday. The story breaks Thursday night, on the Internet first, the news outlets have it after.

Jessica Jung, leader.

 

 

 

 

 

Sooyoung is not as diplomatic as Tiffany who, well, isn't diplomatic either but more of a best friend than a member, suddenly and soon.

There is no time for her to talk to them as leader. They are shoved into rehearsals with talks about studying their chemistry, reworking all their choreography because they have a ton of fan meets coming up as soon as next month and Jessica feels her head readying to explode.

But she sees it coming. The fight.

The fight was coming, _is_ coming, and from the other side of the practice room, she takes care to plant herself between Sooyoung and Tiffany, trying to cover Tiffany's mistakes because neither of them are the best dancers but she can take the wrath of the others better than most.

" _I can't do this_ ," Sooyoung explodes and Hyoyeon, for what little patience she has too, manages to grab the taller girl's hand. "Seriously," Sooyoung snarls to Jessica though, trying to tug away from Hyoyeon. "This is messed up. No one is saying anything and I just can't deal."

"We don't have the time," she says evenly. "And it was my mistake."

Sooyoung ignores. "Did you know," she throws out, glaring at Tiffany. "Did you know? Because, like, it just doesn't make any sense --"

"Can we talk about this later," Tiffany says quietly, doesn't ask, and Jessica watches Sunny usher their choreographers and dancers out of the room because this stays in between them.

"So you can do what --"

"Finish that," Jessica interjects, tightening her hand around Tiffany's, "and you're going to regret it. Maybe not right now. But it's going to eat at you. And you're not the only one who is trying to get through this."

All the girls turn and look at her. She cannot tell who's surprised or not.

Jessica breaks away from Tiffany. She moves to the front, next to Hyoyeon. They share a look and Jessica sighs.

"From the top, again," she says. "And then we'll take a break."

Jessica wonders if she looks like a stranger. Someone walks to turn the music on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they were in New York, Taeyeon cornered her in the hotel, grabbed her hand in the hallway, following her into her room. They weren't drunk. The girls are going to celebrate their group anniversary later that night with dinner and a toast.

"I have to tell you something."

Jessica blinks. She is halfway to her bed before letting Taeyeon's hand go.

"Is it serious?" she asks, sitting on the bed. Her hair sticks to her face. She rubs her eyes too. "Because if it's serious, can we talk about the last time we had a serious conversation?" She's pointed, not accusatory. "I can't remember the last time we had a serious conversation," she adds.

Taeyeon doesn't demand her time. She wears a look on her face that she can't quite piece together. She doesn't need a translator, but she feels rusty. She hates feeling rusty.

"I feel stuck," Taeyeon admits quietly, rubbing her hands against her thighs. She sits on the bed across for her. "I know I haven't exactly been the best to be around... for you. But I -- I guess, I look at you and Yoon and Sooyoung-ah and watch you do things, other things, and stand by those things and get jealous. I get mad and I get jealous."

Jessica blinks. Taeyeon's legs dangle off the bed and she falls back into the pillows, groaning and skewing her arm over her eyes to cover them.

"You're crazy," she says, and for lack of having anything else to say, she still tries. "If you feel stuck though, you should do something about it. Half the time we feel stuck, know how to get out, but are too afraid to anything." Jessica shrugs. "So stop. And do something about it."

From the bed, Taeyeon lets out a trembling sigh. The sheets wrinkle under her side as she turns. She's serious and then smiles.

"I should have talked to you from the start," Taeyeon tells her.

Jessica thinks of it now and feels like she knew the secret all along.

 

 

 

 

 

The latest: Sunny buys a giant bottle of wine, the cheapest, and opens it in the kitchen, three of them sitting on the floor and Yoona on the kitchen table, on the phone and trying to reschedule her flight to Japan tomorrow morning. For the hangover, of course.

"She didn't even say goodbye," Yuri mutters, and Jessica looks up, sharply. The words pinch the tip of her tongue. Sunny shares her gaze and Sooyoung pours herself another glass. "I know she's staying with company. But... Like... _fuck_."

Jessica remembers how much she hates the dorm and finishes her glass. "She's not dead." She's also not gentle. "She's staying with company. She's just graduated and moved on."

"But why wouldn't she tell us?" Sunny asks, genuinely. Her eyes are still red. She's cried twice already. Both in the bathroom. The last time, Jessica sat outside it, her back to the door like they were sixteen again. The wood was cold and bleeding into her shirt. She felt eighteen again and a little more than lost.

"Because we're the most difficult," Jessica answers easily. There's a ring of red wine under her glass. "Because telling us makes it a thousand times more real. Because we're the loudest, we'd be the hardest, and probably the most difficult." She hates that this sounds like a confession. "Because for what it's worth, Taeyeonie thinks too much about everyone else."

"Tiffany knew, remember?" Yuri mutters.

Jessica's gaze is sharp. "Leave it be."

She is just as angry and upset as they are, she wants to say. No one has said anything about her being leader. Maybe it's a courtesy.

"Sorry," Yuri murmurs and nudges her, she's not sorry though, but maybe the damaged is done. Jessica's mouth twitches and turns. She stands and grabs the wine glasses, ignoring the mild protests and brings them over to the sink.

"It's not about being angry," she says, back turned to the girls. She feels a lot older. "It's going to be a long year, you know?"

Yoona finds a flight. Her voice is soft, hurried. Jessica dumps the rest of the wine down the sink. No one has a reply for her. It's another day tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

Sooyoung calls her before her flight to Japan. It doesn't surprise her. There isn't an apology. It was going to be Tiffany or Sooyoung that says something next. She's already read an article calling her SM Entertainment's next greatest mistake.

"Have you talked to her," she asks, like really asks, and Jessica really appreciates that about Sooyoung. There is no effort in avoiding any sort of reality.

"No," Jessica says and tightens her fingers into her coffee. "They're keeping her away. I don't think it would be a good idea for any of us to see her right now as it is."

"Stop it," Sooyoung's voice is sharp, not unkind. They are all still walking on eggshells around each other. "They just gave you the leader position, dude. They didn't tell you to not be a human being."

It's not that simple. Malicious comments have no faces, but they still hurt. Most people applaud the decision. Jung is the most marketable. But Taeyeon has the talent. She's not going anywhere, but the company is capitalizing on it.

"My head hurts," she says quietly, and her fingers press into her temples. "I haven't slept since. I don't know if I can talk to her like this. I don't want to say anything when I don't even know if I'm angry."

Sooyoung sighs. They are reshooting their music video tomorrow. They will have to be all smiles. Then it's back to the studio, cutting and recutting parts.

"I'm angry," Sooyoung says. "I'll be angry enough for the both of us." Then comes the apology: "So don't worry about it, okay?"

Jessica doesn't have the presence of mind to reply. It's going to be what it is.

 

 

 

 

 

There is so much. There is almost too much. Too much means a lot of different things and they haven't sent Jessica to Japan yet, quite yet, because there's damage control and you're the strongest, Jung, you're going to be fine.

But the first time she sees Taeyeon makes it a little different. It's at the company, there's an empty practice room between them, and oh god, she's got to go over choreography before she actually gets on a plane to Japan. Her head is throbbing.

She tries to text Hyoyeon. Down the hall, Taeyeon spots her, placing a hand on someone's shoulder. Jessica sort of freezes, then whirls around, ducking into an empty practice room so that she can text Hyoyeon with a sound mind.

"Hi."

She whirls around. Taeyeon leans into the wall, closing the door behind her. Her eyes are brighter than Jessica remembers.

"Hi," she says carefully, the word pressing against the back of her throat. Her head starts to spin a little. What can she say, she thinks. Against her hip, her phone shudders.

"You look tired," Taeyeon says, bites her lip, and then steps forward. She searches her gaze. "When's the last time you slept?"

"On a flight back from New York," she snaps and means it. Her gaze sharpens. "Right before I learned that I was going to be the leader. I should have had another glass of wine. You know in those plastic cups."

She should really look at her phone, maybe even set herself up so that she could have lunch with Soojung. She misses her sister. Maybe even a little too much. Desperately wanting something to be _normal_ for once.

"You're doing a great job," Taeyeon tells her, whispers practically, so much so that Jessica has to stop herself from getting irrationally angry and strain to listen. Taeyeon looks down, her bangs falling into her eyes. Those are new, Jessica thinks. "That's all I hear. You're doing a great job."

"Don't patronize me," she replies, but doesn't snap. Her energy is draining away. "And you should go. I have to get to the girls and my head may explode."

Taeyeon only nods. She moves forward though, instead of backwards, reaches for Jessica's hand, her fingers lacing around her wrist. Jessica's eyes are wide and it feels like a sudden intrusion, panic working its way into her throat.

Don't get too close, she thinks. Taeyeon does without hesitating.

She touches her mouth.

"You can always call," she murmurs. 

Jessica nearly loses it. But she steps back, hands shoved into her pockets with a small smile. Sad even.

"I mean it," Taeyeon adds, and that, suddenly, is the last thing Jessica can bring herself to understand.

She watches Taeyeon go instead. 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a shoe store in Tokyo that Soojung loves and when she has a minute alone, she takes a cab there, turns off her phone, and spends the better part of an hour trying things and singing along to a SKE48 song, the only one that she knows.

"I'll take the black ones please," she tells the girl helping her, then sits and grabs her phone. She thinks about it.

At some point, she is going to have to call and say something. It isn't in her to be this quiet about things as it is.

She watches the salesgirl disappear and dials the number that she knows.

It's a voicemail.

"You said to call," she says first. Then stops and breathes. 

Jessica can see her reflection in the window and ducks her gaze away.

"You know," she decides finally, impulsive. "If this is what you wanted, you should have said something to us. To me. I don't know what I want to do... I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm really confused. I don't know if I can be what you were to the rest of us. I don't know if I even want to."

Jessica watches the salesgirl reappear, marching Soojung's shoes to the counter. She wraps the box carefully.

"I wish we felt like us still." Her voice is soft. "Then it would be easier to yell at you, but I don't have the luxury of being upset anymore. You took that too, you know." Her fingers pinch the bridge of her nose. "Then again, a lot of things would be easier," and she stops herself because she starts thinking about things, really thinking about things, she's going to be herself again.

 

 

 

 

 

Kyuhyun warns her ahead of time that the _Radio Star_ interview is coming.

An hour before, Jessica locks herself in the bathroom, Sunny standing guard and throws up, her fingers gripping the toilet because she's unsteady and is so embarrassed. 

A sheen of sweet gathers at her throat. She manages to push herself up to sit and slide against the wall, smoothing her hand through her hair. Their stylist is going to kill her. Smile now, she tells herself. But she can barely bring herself to look in the mirror.

There's a knock. "Yah," comes Sunny's voice, gentle against the wall. "Five more minutes."

"Okay," she says. Then calls, "Okay!"

She fumbles for her phone. She's not thinking, of course. Should she? It's not really an epiphany and really, she could stretch out these five minutes.

Her hand presses her phone to her ear. A voicemail again. She's already on her feet. She washes her mouth out again and then sighs, taking in the beep.

"I could really use you right now."

Jessica thinks of all the sketches she has, pilled up in a small box, under her bed. It's not over until you want it to be, Soojung had told her.

"And that almost makes me hate you," she says. It's a little easier to hang up.

 

 

 

They sit her in between Sunny and Tiffany. The camera light is bright, the stage even brighter, and for being fairly robotic through a billion hours of practice, she lets herself think: you're doing okay right now.

"So they haven't staged a coup yet?" Kim Gu Ra is smiling, eyes sharp. He told Jessica earlier that she was one of his favorites and she returned with a smile, full of genuine amusement. She knew this question was coming too.

"Not yet," she says dryly. Jessica doesn't miss a beat. "Give them time though. We've got to leave the country first."

Her expression is serene, maybe blank, and Tiffany catches her hand next to her, squeezing. Maybe to tell her to hold back. Maybe not.

In twenty minutes, the Internet explodes with the success of her first, real interview. Not that it's her _first_. Which is really hard for her to sort of marinate on. Kyuhyun buys her a soda, tells her to screw her diet, and she says something about a bagel, which makes everyone laugh but doesn't feel as funny.

But it's not until she gets to the car, sits alone in the back and pulls at her phone that she sees all the missed messages. 

Remember to breathe, the first one says. Jessica almost laughs. It could be funny if she wanted it to be.

"Everything okay?" Sunny asks, passing her a bottle of water. Tiffany's put her headphones on. The dark circles under their eyes are starting to fade.

"Fine," Jessica answers and looks back down at her phone.

The second one, it's a little harder to swallow. She feels like she's gotten played.

We'll get through this, it says. She forgets to breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

The next headline isn't as cruel as she thought it was going to be. It's a new thing: begrudging respect from a public that she's earned since she's started, right there, right in front, and everywhere for people to see.

Tiffany reads it out loud to her: "Stone-faced SNSD leader talks about changes to line up, promises a strong, more mature group. Apologizes to fans for making the worry." Then she finishes, "We're looking forward to seeing a new era of SNSD."

Jessica groans, rubbing her eyes.

"You did fine," the other girl says quietly. "It was a decent interview." 

They're holed up in her hotel room. They have an event tomorrow night, then a schedule for the rest of the week. Jessica has to go into the company to discuss future projects. A lot of things are going to have to be reworked, outside of parts and subunits and choreography. 

"I feel like I'm having an out of body experience," she admits. "Like this is happening, I'm making these decisions, and I'm watching everything happen from far away. I feel weird."

It's the closest she's come to saying something, anything really. She's still nervous, still feels very alone, and has somehow managed to survive with that carefully crafted mask of hers. Seasoned pro, you know.

Tiffany nods and sighs. Her phone next to her buzzes. She picks it up, Jessica watching, and then sort of pales. Her eyes dart nervously to Jessica's.

"So," she says. "Don't hate me."

Jessica snorts. "Dating scandal?"

"Whatever," Tiffany rolls her eyes. "But that would be a nice distraction. On all parts." She bites her lip and swallows. "I just -- Taeyeon is standing outside our door and wants to talk to you and I promised her i would help so please don't be mad."

Her stomach drops.

It takes her a minute to process Tiffany, then Tiffany standing, slipping off the bed and kind of stumbling, if anything out of nerves. Is there no loyalty, is the first thing that Jessica thinks, and then stops being surprised because they're adults, older now, and loyalties shift and transform when you're older. Sure, you love each other just the same. But personalities change, needs change, and desires to connect and reconnect become different.

She doesn't know how to feel betrayed. But she does. And that bothers her.

"Fine," she says quietly, and Tiffany makes an odd, delighted sound, clapping her hands together in relief.

She moves to the door and Jessica slides off of her bed, grabbing a chair by the window. She listens to murmurs in the hall, glues her eyes to the city and the lights, only to make out Taeyeon in the reflection, head covered in an oversized hood.

Tiffany grabs her hand and drags her into the room.

"Okay, so. It's a long story and I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she says, hurries, and then backs towards the door. "But Manager Oppa is the only one who knows that she's here because she's supposed to be in the studio recording --"

"Yah," Jessica sighs. "I got it."

"But you need to talk," Tiffany ignores her and Taeyeon is pushing her hood down, meeting Jessica's gaze. Her hair is blonde now, cropped to her to her chin. "And I'll just tell the others that you went to bed early and go pick up Yoon from the airport for tomorrow --"

"We get it," Taeyeon says softly, almost apologetically, and her mouth sharpens a little, turning into somewhat of an awkward smile. She bites her lip and Jessica brings her legs up into her chair. "We'll be fine," she adds gently, and Tiffany eyes them warily, sort of shrugs and then backs out because yeah, Jessica thinks too, she wouldn't want to be here either.

She gives them both an awkward wave, pushing past them and to the door. Jessica presses a hand to the column of her throat and tries not to squeeze.

They both listen to the door close.

"Why are you here," Jessica says, more as a statement than a question, and she almost feels like herself, halfway between gentle and sharp edges.

Taeyeon kicks off her shoes, picks them up, then neatly frames them into the corner of the room by a pair of her boots.

"I wanted to see you," she says, and it's not _I wanted to explain_ or even more contrite _are you doing okay_. Jessica feels her heart pluck and tighten.

"Did you see the other girls?" Jessica asks instead and sort of croaks, swallowing back her words. "Have you talked to anyone besides... Tiffany?"

"Seohyunie," Taeyeon answers, then hesitates. "I went to see her at school. We had lunch."

This is apparently how they're living now. The world and the world full of secrets. All of them, all nine of them, have been vocal about the lives that they want, within the industry and outside of the industry. They're all dreamers and that, there, is what she shares with Taeyeon the most. The world is always hazy and bright, full of curiosities that always seem unreachable but push them hard enough to at the very least try. She can't remember when or how or even why she got to this place with Taeyeon, the weird awkward one where they stopped being dreamers and started to being two different people.

"Good," she manages. The corners of her mouth curl. She tries to swallow, but the tears are starting to well up. "It's probably best that you saw them first. I mean alone. So there's not a pile up or whatever."

"I didn't mean for it to happen this way," Taeyeon starts, actually starts. Jessica stays sitting, unmoving, until she comes to the edge of the bed, directly opposite from her. Taeyeon looks down. 

"Why are you here though?"

Jessica's feet slip and touch the ground. She rubs the back of her head.

"Because I should have told --"

" _Me_ ," Jessica cuts through. She doesn't care if it's just too soon. "Yeah. You should have. At the very least." And then everything starts to surface, sliding out of her mouth without processing. "Because you knew that you weren't the only one thinking about leaving, you knew that you weren't the only one thinking about the future and that, there, is the worst part because before all of this _you were angry with me for trying to figure out the same damn thing_."

She stops herself, stops herself so fast before she gets any further. She stands and turns to the window, crossing her arms in front of her chest and suddenly, she has that sharp feeling of just wanting to be home, just be home with her parents and her sister and forget about all these things happening.

Her eyes close tightly. She's crying and hates herself for crying.

"You knew that I would step into this," she accuses softly. "Not because I wanted to do this but because I wouldn't know how to walk away from any of these girls. Because you knew I was just as ready as you _were_."

It's an ugly confession. It's a truth that she's held onto as soon as she started sketching, thinking, and cramming over business plans. Jessica has always been ambitious, will forever be ambitious, forever thinking about the next step because this is how she's made it so far. This is why she is who she is. But there is something insanely painful of the fact that they're having this conversation, instead of trying to fix things and move forward.

Taeyeon's hand drops onto her hip. Then: it's her arm around her waist, her mouth into her shoulder, and oh _god_ , Jessica can only stand, waiver, and keep her eyes closed.

"I'm sorry," Taeyeon murmurs, her mouth over her ear. "I'm sorry that you're hurt," she says and then: "I'm sorry that you're worried and that you feel really alone."

The tears press into her face. A hand runs against her eyes and Jessica hates that she can't help it, but she leans back into Taeyeon because there is no where else to go from here.

"I wish that you had said something," her mouth hurts and Jessica shudders, just a little bit. "Anything," she adds.

"I know." Taeyeon's voice presses a whisper. They're going backwards and fast. "I'm not going far."

No one ever gave them that speech. Growing older, growing wiser. No one ever thought it to be wise as it is, even when they watched group get older and disband, or never make it as far. But that is something separate.

She feels herself start to turn, slowly and painfully to meet Taeyeon's gaze. There's something different. The air shifts and turns. She tries to smooth her hair away from her face, but Taeyeon beats her to it, pushing at her bangs and behind her ear, a few more strands.

"I don't want to go far," Taeyeon says, and her mouth brushes against her forehead, then her jaw, and then lingers along her cheek, moving to hover over Jessica's mouth. "That was my condition. If I was going to do this. I didn't want to go far. I know that I have a lot of work to do. I know there are things that I should tell, that I owe you, and instead of this being the most romantic thing ever, I'm failing miserably. Because..." she laughs nervously, rubbing the back of her neck, "well, you know I'm better at writing love songs as it is."

Her mind is whirring. Taeyeon brings her hand to her mouth, brushing her fingers against Jessica's lips.

"I'll work hard," she promises. Jessica sighs against her fingers. Taeyeon remains serious and firm. "I'll make sure that I'll be a better person for you. A worthy sister to the others. But you, I just -- I need you to know that I put you first."

"Yah." Jessica's voice trembles. "You're not being fair," she breathes. "I don't know what to do when you're like this."

There's something about the way that she smiles, toothy and awkward so like Taeyeon that kills her, right then and there, that makes everything else make sense. She hates that it does. She hates that she's feeling the world shake and scream underneath her.

"Neither were you," Taeyeon says and her mouth covers Jessica, small and soft, a huge contradiction. 

It takes her awhile to process that this is happening, her hand flexing, then crawling up Taeyeon's face, her hair, and her fingers burying deep within the strands. She starts to kiss her back, sighing like she's given up, like this has been a long time coming and she's just sort of giving in.

Taeyeon then starts to kiss with her teeth, pulling at her lip and then turning them, leaning over Jessica she crashes into the bed. She kisses her and forgets to breathe, pushes her tongue inside Taeyeon's mouth, lapping away at everything she's side, biting and stealing all these sounds she never knew Taeyeon could make.

Before long, they pull apart. Jessica's shirt has ridden up, past her belly. Her mind is spinning and Taeyeon presses her hand back into her hip, sighing against her side and over the pillows.

"I've wanted to do this forever. It was at the top of the list," Taeyeon says, maybe even confesses, but Jessica no longer can tell the difference. Maybe there's no point. "I can't promise to be perfect," she says and then it's really a confession, "but I can promise to be better."

Their fingers lace together. Jessica closes her eyes and lets out a watery laugh.

If you can get one out of nine to love you, you'll be fine, Jessica remembers suddenly. Then instead, they are just two girls, on the very same bed, holding onto each other to make some sense of the nonsense they've just signed up for.

"I've always wanted a Birkin bag," she says.

Taeyeon laughs. Jessica tries to crack a smile. They have a lot of work to do.

It's not meant to be perfect as it is.

 

 

 

 

 

Their first video shoot as eight is a disaster, only because it needs to be a disaster, and honestly, Jessica does not have the time for this anymore.

"Taeyeon would have never done this," Sooyoung says and means it because Sooyoung never says anything she doesn't mean. She says it out of anger though and all the girls fall silent, even as Jessica finds her gloves and the staff is, thankfully, far enough away for them to avoid this.

"Yah," Yuri steps in, in between the two of them. Her eyes are dark. "Lay _off_."

Jessica's fingers curl into the taller girl's arm and she shakes her head.

"She's right," she says, and Sooyoung's shoulders sag. Jessica is tired and her fingers touch her mouth. "I'm not Taeyeon. Taeyeon would have never done this. And you would have probably been cranky because you would have _still_ lost your goddamn gloves."

They are all staring at her like she's lost it and maybe, maybe she has lost it. Her mind is spinning though.

"But I'm here," she says quietly. "And so are all of you."

It's not much, but it's something and she's staring at all of the other girls, daring them to say something because if they do, she thinks, if they _do_ , she might really go and lose it -- and then what then. But she becomes a little braver as Sooyoung stops, sighs, and drops around her, moving to wrap her arms around her. They all fold around each other.

Jessica laughs a little and the sound feels a little more familiar. Then there's Yuri's mouth pressed against her shoulder and Seohyun is sniffing.

I've always been different, she doesn't say.

 

 

 

 

 

The final thing: on the airplane, Seohyun passes her seat with a small box. She's smiling a little and then drops it onto Jessica's lap, heading back to her seat without a word.

The lights are out and Yuri is asleep next to her, so she's careful, slipping her fingers underneath the wrapping paper and plucking out a small sketchbook, proper pencils, and an even smaller note that says it all: _don't stop_.

Jessica laughs to herself. The sound feels a little rusty, but she picks up the card and folds it, pushing it into the pockets of her jeans. Taeyeon still does a lot of things, she thinks. Even when they move forward. It's enough for now. Maybe, of course.


End file.
